Lost...and Found

This post isn't about a list item that I've completed, but it's about how I'm starting to achieve my ultimate goal; to find myself again. 

I was part of a couple for over 6 years, and although I was happy, I feel like I wasn't always myself. It wasn't my ex's fault. He never asked me to change the way I acted or the things I did, but I was so insecure in my ability to keep him in love with me that I spent most of my time trying to fit myself into the mold of what I thought he wanted. In the end it didn't work. He moved on and I was left with a person I no longer really recognized; me.

I think that was the real reason I started the Valancy Stirling Project. I had forgotten how to love myself and the things I loved to do. I missed my sense of humour, which had somehow diminished over the years and I didn't know how to start my new life. I had no idea what kind of future I wanted because I didn't know who I was anymore. All the sadness I'd felt when my ex and I broke up made it even worse. It was a deep hole to climb out of, but I feel like I'm starting to make it.

Lately I've been finding myself quicker with jokes, and ones that are actually funny. I'm no longer just trying to get through one day to make it to the next with hopes that it'll be better. I'm enjoying myself at work, being much more positive and I'm back to doing many of the things I love that had gotten left by the wayside over the last few years. I'm reading more, trying new restaurants, going to the movies and experimenting with fashion to find my own sense of style.

One of the things I'm most thankful for about the last few months is that I've really had the opportunity to appreciate and enjoy my friends. My circle of friends has definitely gotten smaller since my high school and university days, but the friends I have now are the kind of friends who pack a lot of punch into their small numbers. Over the last few months I have been able to maintain and strengthen my relationships with my ex's sister and sister-in-law, who have always meant so much to me, and this has made the break-up seem like less of a tragedy. His nieces and nephews are still in my life thanks to their amazing mothers. I've also been able to become REAL friends with my "work friends". We've been through a lot together this year and we've come out stronger, both individually and as a group. I'm so thankful to have co-workers who actually care about me, who push me to become better and who root for me to succeed, and I'm glad that we've come to a place where we can spend time together outside of work and no longer just be workplace friends.

I've also come to see just how lucky I am to have my two best friends. I have been friends with them since early elementary school, and they have been with me every step of the way, through every triumph and heartbreak. If it weren't for them, I think I would have been far more lost, possibly beyond redemption and I thank God everyday for making six year old me take the time to get to know them. And my sister. Where to begin with my sister? I was her second mother when she was young, and I spoiled her rotten. Through her pre-teen and early teen years we didn't get along. As we both got older we became close again, friends even, and somewhere along the line she became a pretty incredible person. There were times in these last few months when I didn't know where to turn, and it was my sister that I called, on the other side of the country. My baby sister saved the day. 

I count myself lucky that I have parents and friends who have never given up on me and who have had the patience to let me find my way back to myself. And although there are times when I do miss certain parts of being in a relationship, for the first time in a long time I am happy and proud of who I am. I am fine with being single. I may start to date in a couple of months, but for now I'm just taking things as they come and I feel good about it. If someone comes along that's great, but I'm not rushing anything, because I want to make sure that the right Lisa enters into a new relationship, one who will be true to herself and won't make the same mistakes as before. And I'm starting to feel like I'm almost ready...

My Internet Connection is Giving Me Insomnia

And this is my problem. Although, neither my internet connection nor my insomnia have made me blog any more frequently. I have been hard at work, however!!

The basement project is coming along great! Almost all the surplus stuff (ie. dolls and records) are gone, the bathroom is about to be painted and I bought a couch and loveseat. Would anyone like a piano? I have one to get rid of!! I seem to be working with a mostly grey theme, with different accent colours in each room. I found this picture and it has been my main source of inspiration. That, and peacocks, which I'm a bit obsessed with.

Moving day is in about 32 days (yikes!) and it seems like more and more stuff if finding its way into my room. Mom and I worked on the craft room tonight (list item #12) and as a result MY craft stuff is now scattered all over the upstairs, largely crowded into my ever-shrinking room. Mom traded me a bookshelf for a small dresser, so my poor books are now stuck in drawers. I'm having a hard time turning around in here and I kind of feel like I'm taking crazy pills, but I just keep reminding myself that this will all be over in a month!

This was our starting point.

Remnants of my sister and a hodge podge of craziness.

Hooray for progress! Moved the furniture around.

I swear this is an improvement.

And here are my now homeless craft supplies.

My mother's basket collection.

Two dressers together looks weird to me.

  And now, for something horribly exciting. I have completed list item #11! I honestly had my doubts about this one. I never imagined I would complete it so quickly and I definitely didn't expect to find it for $5.99 at Value Village, but I have achieved the impossible. I have found my piece of yellow clothing! It's just a long sleeved t-shirt, and it could probably stand to be a bit bigger, but maybe if I start my yoga it won't be so tight :-)

Love my sunshiney shirt!!

I'm really hoping that soon I will be able to cross off 2 more items, when we finish the craft room and the basement, but as of now, 3 months into the Valancy Stirling Project I have completed 3 items. Only 26 more to go!!

Crazy Enough to Succeed

This is what keeps me going, through this whole crazy process!

 

 

Please forgive me for the messiness of this post. It took me almost 3 hours and the formatting was driving me nuts. This story will be told mostly through pictures. It's really the best way to explain how far we've come. What you are about to see may shock you, but I am trusting you with this! You're not allowed to judge me or the process. Don't forget, my grandmother lived in this house for a really long time and liked to...collect things. And we moved in in a rush and had to get things out of the way. And since then we haven't had the motivation to do anything about it, until we decided I'd move down there. See, I AM motivating!! 

 

 




    In the beginning...such a mess.










So much stuff...

 <-----------------------------------------The Great Doll Mountain

Holy crap, a couch!!!

 Goodbye, ugly couch!

 Starting to clear out. You can't tell, but the piles are all organized.

 

 

We found the corner!! I haven't seen this part of the room in about 12 years.

 And finally, some progress is visible.

Now, if only I could figure out a way to get rid of those cameras (the big box in the lower left corner- all cameras).

Goodbye Doll Mountain! Oh look, there's the piano. Knew it was there somewhere!

Found this magazine while we were cleaning out some old books. Note the very helpful article listed in the corner.



Although I don't really consider myself a 'Husband Hunter', I can't wait to read their tips!










We're far from done, but we're getting there! Just to give you an idea of how much has been done, my father has taken at least 5 trips to the dump, plus one for the couch and another for some other large items. We have taken multiple car-loads to a second hand store's donation center. And then we had the dolls. Oh, the dolls. After setting them all aside, my mother, aunt and three cousins came over and we went through every single box, picking out what we wanted and divided the rest into piles to give away or sell. My father then took ANOTHER van-load and I took ANOTHER car-load to the drop off center, this time dropping off just dolls. I admit that both of us made our deliveries during off-hours so no one would see us and judge us. Not my finest hour, but it needed to be done! My mother and I then went through all the boxes of dolls to sell and catalogued them, and then I looked them up to get values. Next I divided them again into items to go on kijiji and others that are more collectible that I'll put on ebay. Finally I spent an entire weekend hanging around the house, waiting for people to come and look at the dolls. They are almost all gone now, and any that don't sell by next weekend will be donated. I still have to put the ones on ebay, but that'll happen soon enough.

Although I know we have a long way to go, I'm getting excited about the finished project. My parents have been hard at work too. My dad has fixed the door and vented the dryer to reduce moisture, they've gotten a dehumidifier and my mom has spent hours going through boxes. I've picked paint colours and have planned my new home. I still sometimes feel like I'll never get there, and I frequently feel slightly crazy, but in the end I know we'll get it done!

A Return to Childlike Wonder

I've noticed lately that there are a lot of amazing things in the world. Like waking up in the morning with the cat cuddled up against me, the sun shining through the trees and onto my lawn on a Sunday afternoon, lightning flashing through the sky in a rainstorm or the taste of freshly made sushi. And although this sounds like the beginning of an inspirational Hallmark card, I feel like these are all things I wouldn't have noticed a couple of months ago. My thoughts were a lot darker and more focused on what I didn't have then, but now I'm starting to realize all the things that are right in my life. I'm seeing the world like I did when I was a kid, loving the little things. And it feels really good.

Unfortunately, my new-found positivity has kept me busy, which means I haven't had much time for posting in my blog. So as penance I will write TWO posts today. One will be a general update on my recent progress and the other one will be devoted to what I'm sure will be the biggest challenge of the year; the basement clean out.

So here's what I've been up to!

4. Move Out of My Parents' Spare Room; Although I currently seem to be bringing more stuff in, by working on the basement I'm killing 2 birds with 1 stone. Damn this room is getting full! It's really hard to fit everything I need in here. At least it puts things in perspective; I probably don't need as much stuff as I've been lugging around with me from apartment to apartment for the last 5 years. I feel a purge coming on when I finally do unpack all my stuff from storage.



Here I am! Not really, but I did do this move.

9. Yoga; Ok, so I haven't REALLY started doing yoga, but I HAVE pinned a lot of yoga related items on Pinterest and I cleaned my room so I have some floor space to move. I also dug out my infrequently used yoga mat. And there was that one night when I did a few moves that were supposed to help my back pain...which I think they did. Does that count as a start???





11. Find a Piece of Yellow Clothing That Suits Me; The love affair with my latest attempt at finding The One was brief, but left such an impression on me. It began like a blind date. I saw a picture  online and we made arrangements to meet. When the day finally arrived I felt nervous and excited all at the same time. And then we met. There were glimmerings of a potential future together. And then I tried it on for size. Very quickly, my hopes were dashed. A bit too clingy and just not my style. And so we parted. Neither one was to blame. It just wasn't meant to be.


12. Help Mom Organize Her Craft Room; Yet another monumental task which we started the other day by packing up some of the things my sister left behind (it was her bedroom). This, cleaning out the basement and my mother's plan to Feng Shui her house are all tied together and it's like a game of Tetris to get them all done. We had to clean the basement to find craft stuff and stuff for the attic. Now we have to clean the craft room to make room for the craft stuff in the basement. And there's stuff for the attic in the craft room, which will have to be taken out and put up there with the stuff from the basement. I also had to get a makeshift closet from my friend so I could get my clothes out of the wardrobe in the craft room so IT can go to the basement so I have a closet when I move down there and to make more space in the craft room. And then we have to take all the craft stuff out of the wall unit so IT can go to the basement so my mother can rearrange her living room. Seriously, when my sister comes home for Christmas she may not recognize the house. Come to think of it, I might not either...

 

24. Watch 'Dr. Who' From the Beginning (1963); This was a LOT more of a challenge than I was expecting! I am of the generation who watches many things online, so I just assumed (and you know what they say about that) that I could find it online. This proved to be almost impossible. I searched and searched for a place to watch it online, but I found nothing. I tried to download it a few times, but it wasn't what I was looking for. And then I found it at last. The entire catalogue of episodes from the First Doctor, William Hartnell, 1963-67. Many of the episodes have been lost due to decay of the tapes, but this one had at least the audio recordings of all the lost episodes. It was a huge file, 36GB, but I wanted it. And so, after 47 days of downloading I am now in possession of the First Doctor. I haven't started watching them yet. I think I'll wait until I get them all before I start. I am currently working on the 23GB collection of the Second Doctor, Patrick Troughton. Perhaps it would have been easier to hop in the Tardis and go get them myself...

28. Drink More Water; I've actually been doing really well with this one!! I have almost entirely cut pop out of my diet and I've been choosing water at home with most of my meals. And everyday I take 2 Costco insulated mugs to work with water in them. Most days I drink both, but I at least manage to drink one everyday. It may not seem like much and I'm definitely not getting 8 cups a day, but it is a big improvement over what I was drinking before and that's the goal!

29. Go on a Date; The love affair with my latest attempt at finding The One was brief, but left such an impression on me. Ok, so I didn't actually go on a date, and to tell the truth I really didn't even want the guy around me after a minute or two, but it was progress none the less. I was out with some friends for a bachelorette party as one of only 2 single girls in the group. We were on the lookout for suitable guys, but they were pretty hard to come by. Not only were we one of 3 bachelorette parties there that night, but it was a long weekend and the bar was drastically underpopulated. The guys that WERE there were clearly too young for me, but I did manage to spot one guy who looked to be about the right age, and not bad looking. My friend went over to invite him into the group and over he came. Unfortunately he was like a mirage you see in the desert; from far away he looked good, but close up he was kind of wobbly and not at all what you expect. After talking to him for only a minute or so I gathered that he was quite conceited (his intro line was 'So you think I'm pretty cute?') and had this weird space between his front teeth, big enough so that I feared getting stuck in the gap if I ever kissed him (which I assure you would not have happened). Add to that the fact that the bride and another friend vetoed him and told me to abort the interaction (they knew him and knew he was a jerk) and I made up my mind very quickly. None the less when he asked if he could take me out for dinner or a coffee I gave him my number, more as an ego boost for myself than anything else. But I also took his name and number and put it in my phone so that if he called I'd know it was him and could ignore him. He never did call, but it was actually the first time I'd ever been asked for my number, so I felt good after it was all said and done.


So there we have it. I've been pretty busy! And I've been happy.

Single and Fabulous, Question Mark?

This post's title brought to you by 'Sex and the City'. Seemed appropriate to the day. This is not going to be one of my most uplifting posts, but I'm not happy all the time, so I guess my posts won't be either.

I tried to be single and fabulous and believe in this quote today. It was my 'Me Day' and I'd planned a pedicure (a birthday gift from my best friend),

a book buying trip (with a birthday gift card from my aunt)



 and another list item, number 10, go to a movie by myself (with a thank you gift card from my friend).








After the movie I planned on taking myself out for a late lunch and possibly shopping for a new phone. I intended it to be a day for me to relax and treat myself and just enjoy my own company.

Except I really didn't.

I actually felt pretty lonely.


I've been trying to put my life back together for what seems like an eternity and I like to think that I'm doing a pretty good job, but every now and then someone will say something that makes me feel like I'm failing and that by now my life should be much more on-track. None of these things are said to hurt me, but they make me feel disappointed in myself. I never wanted to be THAT girl, the one who falls apart when her boyfriend breaks up with her, so I've been trying really hard to keep going. I allowed myself to wallow for a while, and eventually I could tell people were getting tired of hearing my sob stories, so I sucked it up and moved on. But it gets hard to keep smiling all the time. Sometimes my smile falters, and it seems like there's always someone there to notice that. Even though yesterday and today are the first BAD days I've had in over a month, these are the days people take notice of what I say and do. And that in turn makes me feel like maybe I'm not doing so well after all. Which is the reason I cut my 'Me Day' short and drove home after the movie in tears.

Let me make this clear; I do not want my ex back, nor am I jealous of his new girlfriend. I AM, however, jealous of him. He has been able to move on with his life with his dignity and self-confidence intact. I, on the other hand, am still trying to build a new life, new dreams and a new image of who I am after everything I'd planned my future to be was shattered. For six years I felt like I was important to someone, that I was a central part of his life and that he was planning his future with me. And then when he broke up with me, I (wrongly) assumed that it would take him a while (though I knew not as long as me) to adjust to his new life. But he was able to find someone a month later who seemed to fill whatever void in his life I wasn't able to fill. And that, that is what hurts me the most. If I had been as important to him as I thought I was (although I always knew he was more important to me than I was to him), he wouldn't have been able to move on so quickly. But he did, so clearly I wasn't. It has left my confidence more than a little shaken.

I can hear some of you saying, as you have many times 'You're better off! You're smart, you're beautiful, you'll find someone who appreciates you!" and I thank you for that. But most of you are my friends and family so you're a bit biased. And honestly, some days I just feel like I wasn't good enough. Not that I'll never BE good enough, but that in my last relationship I wasn't good enough. These days don't come very often, but I am entitled to a few dark days every now and again.


I know that it's been six months now and that it really is time that I start to move on, but I'd like to point out that I have. I used to cry everyday; today was the first time I've cried in months. Thinking about my ex used to cause my stomach to drop and my appetite to disappear; eating (sadly) isn't a problem for me these days. I used to think that we could still work things out if ONLY he'd try a little harder, or if I could act more like what he wanted; now I know that we just weren't right for each other and that someone, somewhere will appreciate me and all my craziness without so much effort and so many questions. I can laugh again, freely and truly. I've started to make plans for my future, my new future and I like where my life is headed.

This is not a bid for sympathy. It's just how I feel. People who are going through a breakup, the death of a loved one or any other major life changing event don't want advice or judgement. They don't need a timeline for when they should start to feel better or when they should be over the whole thing. Everyone grieves differently, and unless you know every word, every look and every event that went on between two people, you can't know the depth of their feelings. My ex was good to me. He's a good man and did the best he could for me and our relationship, but in the end it just wasn't enough and we couldn't make it work. And my sadness cannot be blamed on him. I love deeply. I throw myself into my relationships with everything I have, which is why, I think, I always have such a hard time when they end. Loving people makes me happy, but there is a lot of trial and error in love, and the price you pay for the happiness is the grief that comes when it doesn't work out. But the love is worth the grief for me, and I know someday I will find someone who makes the grief I'm feeling now just a distant memory. In the meantime, I'll keep trying everyday to be single and fabulous, even if every once in a while I forget.

Ordinary Things Made Extraordinary

It wasn't the most complicated item on the list, but it was important for lots of reasons. It was a chance for me to appreciate the things I have and to spend some time with some great people.


On Wednesday night I completed list item number 8 and slept under the stars. Well, I assume I did, because despite the forecast for clear skies, it was foggy and I couldn't actually SEE any stars. I was planning on doing it on Tuesday on my lawn (although I had concerns that I would get lost in the grass, since it hasn't been mowed in a few weeks), but my cousins, who live across the road, offered me their trampoline to sleep on, which definitely sounded much more comfortable. I also thought that inviting my cousins would make it a lot more fun. We're really close and we used to have sleepovers all the time, but it has been close to 10 years since our last one. Unfortunately they weren't available on Tuesday so we moved it to Wednesday and our plan was born!

I wish I could say that it was the best sleep I've ever had, but that would be a huge lie. Turns out trampolines aren't all that comfortable after all, especially when there are 4 people sleeping on it. You kind of all slide into the middle and end up in a big pile of arms, legs and blankets. And I'm pretty sure I woke up every hour and tried to turn over carefully so I didn't wake the others or kick anyone in the head.

It also turns out that we have a surprisingly noisy neighbourhood. It started with the crickets. But they grew to be quite relaxing. Then there was the cardinal who very persistently began to chirp at about 4 am. Then my aunt left for work at 5, and my parents left for work at 5:30. Then at about 6, I awoke from my 'Planet of the Apes' inspired dream with a desperate need to pee. In retrospect the cup of tea before bed was probably a bad idea. Since we had to get up at 7 anyway, I headed for the bathroom and called it quits.



But despite the horrible sleep, I had a great time. It was actually a beautiful night, even if it was a bit misty, and it was so nice to just have time to talk with my cousins about the crazy things we used to do when we were kids (and let me tell you, there were some pretty crazy things). I also imagine it would have been really nice to have been able to see the stars. Don't be fooled, those are moisture beads in the picture, not stars.

I definitely want to do it again, and maybe make it an annual tradition. Our group wasn't complete this year either. My cousin is currently travelling in Nova Scotia and my sister lives in Calgary, but they'll both be here next summer in the middle of July, so I think I'll suggest we do it then. It was a great chance for us to be together, to act a bit like kids for a while and to take some enjoyment from the proverbial "little things" in life. And I think one of the most important things to remember is...