Two Steps Forward...One Slight Step Back

I've been on a bit of a roller-coaster lately. At work and at home I feel like I'm constantly headed in about 6 different directions at the same time. I have a lot of projects on the go, and although I have finished another list item (yay!) I sometimes feel like I will never get these things done. And I haven't even begun to tell you about the emotional powder keg that erupted in me this past weekend.

On Saturday I went to the local Christmas craft sale. I had been looking forward to it since fall arrived. I go with my parents every year and it's a tradition that to me always seems to usher in the Christmas season. As I walked through the crowded aisles I could feel my jaw start to clench. My palms felt sweaty and the look on my face was enough to scare away small children. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was a bit cranky (who, me??) before I'd even arrived, or with the fact that there were hundreds of people there, and lets face it, some people have horrible manners. But mostly I think it was just the realization that this Christmas will be a very different Christmas than any I've had in a long time. It was a really weird, and unexpectedly emotional experience. 

It seemed like everywhere I turned I saw reminders of the life I used to live. There were couples my age everywhere, pregnant women everywhere. Add to this the fact that as I headed toward the sale I saw a guy I had a brief flirtation and one date with seven and a half years ago, before I decided he wasn't ready for the kind of relationship I was looking for. Yet here he was, walking down the hall with a woman and a little girl, holding her hand and laughing. Guess I bet on the wrong horse. Granted it could have been his sister and niece, but I doubt it. I also ran into my prom date and his long time girlfriend. Hooray for me.

Since I've now been single for 9 months and have accepted and moved on from all my feelings of sadness and disappointment etc, I really didn't expect to feel the way I did. I outright ignored people offering me samples from booths where I used to stop and buy things for my ex. The booth selling dog treats nearly pushed me over the edge. I found myself rushing through the exhibits, praying I'd reach the end soon, all the while trying not to make it look too obvious to my family. When we finally left I felt better, but it still made me think a lot about the fact that this will be my first Christmas without my ex since 2004. 

Sure, I can do this!

I DID feel slightly guilty, however, for lying to the man selling antique dishes when he asked me if I planned on using the forks I bought from him for making jewellery and I said no. I'm totally making jewellery out it them.

Smile ladies! $5.99 each!

I went shopping with Mom after the craft sale and look who we found at Value Village!







 Basement renovations are coming along! 11 days til moving day and I do feel a bit like I'm running up the down escalator. Here's some pictures of the progress!

Before clean-up tonight

My pile of furniture to be painted. Yikes

After clean-up!

Still stuck with a piano...

I'll give you a sneak peek of the paint colour. It will not be, as my father fears (and in his words), "goth", but will be accented with creams and light greys and bright, vibrant colours like yellow, green, purple, red, blue...you'll just have to trust me.

My bedroom with primer. Don't mind the gnome.

No more wacky orange paint.

Yay!!

I love the grey. Haters gonna hate.

Last but not least, I have completed list item #12; Help Mom Organize Her Craft Room. Turns out most of that crap WASN'T mine. I needn't have been so hard on myself! Just a reminder of what it looked like when we started;

Where's the floor?!?!?

Absolute chaos. And not the good kind.

So much craft stuff!! My mom has dabbled in just about every type of craft imaginable, and has the leftover supplies to prove it. Here, my friends, is what it looks like now. Please, try to contain your excitement!

The lovely and organized closet

 My mother's sewing machine on my grandmother's antique sewing table

This dresser is entirely full of fabric

THIS dresser is entirely full of yarn

Painting supplies etc.

A cozy place to sit with Mr. Bear

So I have now completed 4 list items, with another 2 to be completed in the next few weeks. I've also been plugging away at several other items, so I'll write another update soon on those ones. Not sure how much time I'll have to write in the next few weeks, but I will do my best. Over and out!!

Lost...and Found

This post isn't about a list item that I've completed, but it's about how I'm starting to achieve my ultimate goal; to find myself again. 

I was part of a couple for over 6 years, and although I was happy, I feel like I wasn't always myself. It wasn't my ex's fault. He never asked me to change the way I acted or the things I did, but I was so insecure in my ability to keep him in love with me that I spent most of my time trying to fit myself into the mold of what I thought he wanted. In the end it didn't work. He moved on and I was left with a person I no longer really recognized; me.

I think that was the real reason I started the Valancy Stirling Project. I had forgotten how to love myself and the things I loved to do. I missed my sense of humour, which had somehow diminished over the years and I didn't know how to start my new life. I had no idea what kind of future I wanted because I didn't know who I was anymore. All the sadness I'd felt when my ex and I broke up made it even worse. It was a deep hole to climb out of, but I feel like I'm starting to make it.

Lately I've been finding myself quicker with jokes, and ones that are actually funny. I'm no longer just trying to get through one day to make it to the next with hopes that it'll be better. I'm enjoying myself at work, being much more positive and I'm back to doing many of the things I love that had gotten left by the wayside over the last few years. I'm reading more, trying new restaurants, going to the movies and experimenting with fashion to find my own sense of style.

One of the things I'm most thankful for about the last few months is that I've really had the opportunity to appreciate and enjoy my friends. My circle of friends has definitely gotten smaller since my high school and university days, but the friends I have now are the kind of friends who pack a lot of punch into their small numbers. Over the last few months I have been able to maintain and strengthen my relationships with my ex's sister and sister-in-law, who have always meant so much to me, and this has made the break-up seem like less of a tragedy. His nieces and nephews are still in my life thanks to their amazing mothers. I've also been able to become REAL friends with my "work friends". We've been through a lot together this year and we've come out stronger, both individually and as a group. I'm so thankful to have co-workers who actually care about me, who push me to become better and who root for me to succeed, and I'm glad that we've come to a place where we can spend time together outside of work and no longer just be workplace friends.

I've also come to see just how lucky I am to have my two best friends. I have been friends with them since early elementary school, and they have been with me every step of the way, through every triumph and heartbreak. If it weren't for them, I think I would have been far more lost, possibly beyond redemption and I thank God everyday for making six year old me take the time to get to know them. And my sister. Where to begin with my sister? I was her second mother when she was young, and I spoiled her rotten. Through her pre-teen and early teen years we didn't get along. As we both got older we became close again, friends even, and somewhere along the line she became a pretty incredible person. There were times in these last few months when I didn't know where to turn, and it was my sister that I called, on the other side of the country. My baby sister saved the day. 

I count myself lucky that I have parents and friends who have never given up on me and who have had the patience to let me find my way back to myself. And although there are times when I do miss certain parts of being in a relationship, for the first time in a long time I am happy and proud of who I am. I am fine with being single. I may start to date in a couple of months, but for now I'm just taking things as they come and I feel good about it. If someone comes along that's great, but I'm not rushing anything, because I want to make sure that the right Lisa enters into a new relationship, one who will be true to herself and won't make the same mistakes as before. And I'm starting to feel like I'm almost ready...