Single and Fabulous, Question Mark?

This post's title brought to you by 'Sex and the City'. Seemed appropriate to the day. This is not going to be one of my most uplifting posts, but I'm not happy all the time, so I guess my posts won't be either.

I tried to be single and fabulous and believe in this quote today. It was my 'Me Day' and I'd planned a pedicure (a birthday gift from my best friend),

a book buying trip (with a birthday gift card from my aunt)



 and another list item, number 10, go to a movie by myself (with a thank you gift card from my friend).








After the movie I planned on taking myself out for a late lunch and possibly shopping for a new phone. I intended it to be a day for me to relax and treat myself and just enjoy my own company.

Except I really didn't.

I actually felt pretty lonely.


I've been trying to put my life back together for what seems like an eternity and I like to think that I'm doing a pretty good job, but every now and then someone will say something that makes me feel like I'm failing and that by now my life should be much more on-track. None of these things are said to hurt me, but they make me feel disappointed in myself. I never wanted to be THAT girl, the one who falls apart when her boyfriend breaks up with her, so I've been trying really hard to keep going. I allowed myself to wallow for a while, and eventually I could tell people were getting tired of hearing my sob stories, so I sucked it up and moved on. But it gets hard to keep smiling all the time. Sometimes my smile falters, and it seems like there's always someone there to notice that. Even though yesterday and today are the first BAD days I've had in over a month, these are the days people take notice of what I say and do. And that in turn makes me feel like maybe I'm not doing so well after all. Which is the reason I cut my 'Me Day' short and drove home after the movie in tears.

Let me make this clear; I do not want my ex back, nor am I jealous of his new girlfriend. I AM, however, jealous of him. He has been able to move on with his life with his dignity and self-confidence intact. I, on the other hand, am still trying to build a new life, new dreams and a new image of who I am after everything I'd planned my future to be was shattered. For six years I felt like I was important to someone, that I was a central part of his life and that he was planning his future with me. And then when he broke up with me, I (wrongly) assumed that it would take him a while (though I knew not as long as me) to adjust to his new life. But he was able to find someone a month later who seemed to fill whatever void in his life I wasn't able to fill. And that, that is what hurts me the most. If I had been as important to him as I thought I was (although I always knew he was more important to me than I was to him), he wouldn't have been able to move on so quickly. But he did, so clearly I wasn't. It has left my confidence more than a little shaken.

I can hear some of you saying, as you have many times 'You're better off! You're smart, you're beautiful, you'll find someone who appreciates you!" and I thank you for that. But most of you are my friends and family so you're a bit biased. And honestly, some days I just feel like I wasn't good enough. Not that I'll never BE good enough, but that in my last relationship I wasn't good enough. These days don't come very often, but I am entitled to a few dark days every now and again.


I know that it's been six months now and that it really is time that I start to move on, but I'd like to point out that I have. I used to cry everyday; today was the first time I've cried in months. Thinking about my ex used to cause my stomach to drop and my appetite to disappear; eating (sadly) isn't a problem for me these days. I used to think that we could still work things out if ONLY he'd try a little harder, or if I could act more like what he wanted; now I know that we just weren't right for each other and that someone, somewhere will appreciate me and all my craziness without so much effort and so many questions. I can laugh again, freely and truly. I've started to make plans for my future, my new future and I like where my life is headed.

This is not a bid for sympathy. It's just how I feel. People who are going through a breakup, the death of a loved one or any other major life changing event don't want advice or judgement. They don't need a timeline for when they should start to feel better or when they should be over the whole thing. Everyone grieves differently, and unless you know every word, every look and every event that went on between two people, you can't know the depth of their feelings. My ex was good to me. He's a good man and did the best he could for me and our relationship, but in the end it just wasn't enough and we couldn't make it work. And my sadness cannot be blamed on him. I love deeply. I throw myself into my relationships with everything I have, which is why, I think, I always have such a hard time when they end. Loving people makes me happy, but there is a lot of trial and error in love, and the price you pay for the happiness is the grief that comes when it doesn't work out. But the love is worth the grief for me, and I know someday I will find someone who makes the grief I'm feeling now just a distant memory. In the meantime, I'll keep trying everyday to be single and fabulous, even if every once in a while I forget.

Ordinary Things Made Extraordinary

It wasn't the most complicated item on the list, but it was important for lots of reasons. It was a chance for me to appreciate the things I have and to spend some time with some great people.


On Wednesday night I completed list item number 8 and slept under the stars. Well, I assume I did, because despite the forecast for clear skies, it was foggy and I couldn't actually SEE any stars. I was planning on doing it on Tuesday on my lawn (although I had concerns that I would get lost in the grass, since it hasn't been mowed in a few weeks), but my cousins, who live across the road, offered me their trampoline to sleep on, which definitely sounded much more comfortable. I also thought that inviting my cousins would make it a lot more fun. We're really close and we used to have sleepovers all the time, but it has been close to 10 years since our last one. Unfortunately they weren't available on Tuesday so we moved it to Wednesday and our plan was born!

I wish I could say that it was the best sleep I've ever had, but that would be a huge lie. Turns out trampolines aren't all that comfortable after all, especially when there are 4 people sleeping on it. You kind of all slide into the middle and end up in a big pile of arms, legs and blankets. And I'm pretty sure I woke up every hour and tried to turn over carefully so I didn't wake the others or kick anyone in the head.

It also turns out that we have a surprisingly noisy neighbourhood. It started with the crickets. But they grew to be quite relaxing. Then there was the cardinal who very persistently began to chirp at about 4 am. Then my aunt left for work at 5, and my parents left for work at 5:30. Then at about 6, I awoke from my 'Planet of the Apes' inspired dream with a desperate need to pee. In retrospect the cup of tea before bed was probably a bad idea. Since we had to get up at 7 anyway, I headed for the bathroom and called it quits.



But despite the horrible sleep, I had a great time. It was actually a beautiful night, even if it was a bit misty, and it was so nice to just have time to talk with my cousins about the crazy things we used to do when we were kids (and let me tell you, there were some pretty crazy things). I also imagine it would have been really nice to have been able to see the stars. Don't be fooled, those are moisture beads in the picture, not stars.

I definitely want to do it again, and maybe make it an annual tradition. Our group wasn't complete this year either. My cousin is currently travelling in Nova Scotia and my sister lives in Calgary, but they'll both be here next summer in the middle of July, so I think I'll suggest we do it then. It was a great chance for us to be together, to act a bit like kids for a while and to take some enjoyment from the proverbial "little things" in life. And I think one of the most important things to remember is...

   

Happiness is a Decision

I suppose it's time for a progress report!

When I planned this blog, I planned to write posts as I crossed things off my list, but then I realized that would only give me 29 posts for the whole year and that some of the things on my list aren't just a one-time thing, but more of a new habit I'd like to build. And while I don't feel like I can cross anything off yet, I have definitely been at work!

1. Become Financially Mature: This definitely qualifies as one of the ongoing list items, but I've started. My mother is now in possession of my dreaded credit card and I have put myself on a budget with a weekly cash allowance. It's been 2 weeks now and the credit card remains with my mother and, with the exception of the small loan from my parents to pay my registration (which I would have had enough for had it not been for the fact that I didn't receive all the income I was expecting this month), I have been able to stick to it. Incidentally I am going to be a LOT more discriminant about who I lend money to from now on.

6. See Every Movie I Want to See in Theatres: I saw 'Brave' today with my friend and her two amazing kids. I loved it, and, as usual, cried at the end. The kids had a tougher time. It was a bit scary for one of them and a bit too involved for the other, but I'm glad we saw it. 'Spiderman' is the only movie currently playing that I'd like to see (and haven't already), and I think that will be my solo movie later this week.

21. Help Mom and Dad Clean Out the Basement: This has been the one I've been spending the most time on. It'll get it's own posting very soon, but the difference is unbelievable. Several trips to the dump have been made (including one to get rid of a very old and extremely heavy pull-out couch), a car load of things has been donated and almost everything else has been organized into piles to keep, give away and sell. I guarantee no one has ever seen so many boxes of dolls!!

26. Dance More: Unofficially of course. I haven't been out and about to dance, but I HAVE discovered that the little boy I work with in the afternoons thinks it is absolutely hilarious when I dance, so I indulge him when I can. Brings a smile to my own face to hear his belly-laugh.

28. Drink More Water: Baby steps with this one. Two days last week I brought a big bottle of water to work (24oz) and I managed to drink the whole thing both days. And I'm trying to drink more water at home too, although I recently discovered some pop in the outside fridge and have been drinking that a bit more than I should.

So there we have it! My progress so far. It's hard to believe the difference I feel in the last month. Nothing substantial has changed. I still live with my parents. I still have a bubble of debt hanging over my head. I'm still single. But I've also realized that despite these things, I have a lot to be happy about. I have a job that is incredibly rewarding. I have amazing parents who welcomed me home and are supporting me (emotionally; I do pay rent, albeit reduced) through this transition period. I have so many friends and such great family who are always there for me, to make me laugh, to comfort me when I cry and to remind me about all the good things in life. I'm healthy, I can drive, it's Summer and the sun is shining.

I was tired of the darkness and despair...