Single and Fabulous, Question Mark?

This post's title brought to you by 'Sex and the City'. Seemed appropriate to the day. This is not going to be one of my most uplifting posts, but I'm not happy all the time, so I guess my posts won't be either.

I tried to be single and fabulous and believe in this quote today. It was my 'Me Day' and I'd planned a pedicure (a birthday gift from my best friend),

a book buying trip (with a birthday gift card from my aunt)



 and another list item, number 10, go to a movie by myself (with a thank you gift card from my friend).








After the movie I planned on taking myself out for a late lunch and possibly shopping for a new phone. I intended it to be a day for me to relax and treat myself and just enjoy my own company.

Except I really didn't.

I actually felt pretty lonely.


I've been trying to put my life back together for what seems like an eternity and I like to think that I'm doing a pretty good job, but every now and then someone will say something that makes me feel like I'm failing and that by now my life should be much more on-track. None of these things are said to hurt me, but they make me feel disappointed in myself. I never wanted to be THAT girl, the one who falls apart when her boyfriend breaks up with her, so I've been trying really hard to keep going. I allowed myself to wallow for a while, and eventually I could tell people were getting tired of hearing my sob stories, so I sucked it up and moved on. But it gets hard to keep smiling all the time. Sometimes my smile falters, and it seems like there's always someone there to notice that. Even though yesterday and today are the first BAD days I've had in over a month, these are the days people take notice of what I say and do. And that in turn makes me feel like maybe I'm not doing so well after all. Which is the reason I cut my 'Me Day' short and drove home after the movie in tears.

Let me make this clear; I do not want my ex back, nor am I jealous of his new girlfriend. I AM, however, jealous of him. He has been able to move on with his life with his dignity and self-confidence intact. I, on the other hand, am still trying to build a new life, new dreams and a new image of who I am after everything I'd planned my future to be was shattered. For six years I felt like I was important to someone, that I was a central part of his life and that he was planning his future with me. And then when he broke up with me, I (wrongly) assumed that it would take him a while (though I knew not as long as me) to adjust to his new life. But he was able to find someone a month later who seemed to fill whatever void in his life I wasn't able to fill. And that, that is what hurts me the most. If I had been as important to him as I thought I was (although I always knew he was more important to me than I was to him), he wouldn't have been able to move on so quickly. But he did, so clearly I wasn't. It has left my confidence more than a little shaken.

I can hear some of you saying, as you have many times 'You're better off! You're smart, you're beautiful, you'll find someone who appreciates you!" and I thank you for that. But most of you are my friends and family so you're a bit biased. And honestly, some days I just feel like I wasn't good enough. Not that I'll never BE good enough, but that in my last relationship I wasn't good enough. These days don't come very often, but I am entitled to a few dark days every now and again.


I know that it's been six months now and that it really is time that I start to move on, but I'd like to point out that I have. I used to cry everyday; today was the first time I've cried in months. Thinking about my ex used to cause my stomach to drop and my appetite to disappear; eating (sadly) isn't a problem for me these days. I used to think that we could still work things out if ONLY he'd try a little harder, or if I could act more like what he wanted; now I know that we just weren't right for each other and that someone, somewhere will appreciate me and all my craziness without so much effort and so many questions. I can laugh again, freely and truly. I've started to make plans for my future, my new future and I like where my life is headed.

This is not a bid for sympathy. It's just how I feel. People who are going through a breakup, the death of a loved one or any other major life changing event don't want advice or judgement. They don't need a timeline for when they should start to feel better or when they should be over the whole thing. Everyone grieves differently, and unless you know every word, every look and every event that went on between two people, you can't know the depth of their feelings. My ex was good to me. He's a good man and did the best he could for me and our relationship, but in the end it just wasn't enough and we couldn't make it work. And my sadness cannot be blamed on him. I love deeply. I throw myself into my relationships with everything I have, which is why, I think, I always have such a hard time when they end. Loving people makes me happy, but there is a lot of trial and error in love, and the price you pay for the happiness is the grief that comes when it doesn't work out. But the love is worth the grief for me, and I know someday I will find someone who makes the grief I'm feeling now just a distant memory. In the meantime, I'll keep trying everyday to be single and fabulous, even if every once in a while I forget.