Seeing the Forest Through the Christmas Trees

I got some news today. It's news I've been expecting, but having it confirmed 4 days before Christmas was not in the plan. It means big changes for me at work. Me and everyone else who works there. I'm still processing it and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. It could be good, it could be bad. Only time will tell. All I know is that it made me think about how I let things affect me. And it made me feel like I needed to write it down and share it. I have a very good friend who has been doing something similar and it has helped me realize the healing power of words. So here I go.

For the last 6 months I have been struggling with choices in regards to my career. I haven't been happy where I am and have been doing what I can to change that. I haven't been as successful as I would have liked, but the fact that I'm trying encourages me. I have an amazing support system of co-workers, friends and family who have helped me find out what I want and have steered me in the right direction. They've pushed me to do things that scare me and put in hours of legwork and listening to help me get to where I am today. I am so thankful for them and am going to push forward in a positive way, because they have encouraged me and I refuse to let them, and myself, down. 

In an effort to reset my brain and put myself in a positive head space I have taken a 2 week vacation from work. I am avoiding all things work related so that I can spend my holidays enjoying those around me, and go back to work refreshed in the new year. Receiving this news today derailed that for a bit. I talked to some of my most trusted (and logical) people, who pointed out that this is likely to be a very good change. So that's how I'm going to go forward. Yes, it will be sad to see things change, but I refuse to let this bring me down. I refuse to let anything that I can't change bring me down anymore. If I don't like something, and I can't change it, I am going to do everything I can to put myself in a situation that I CAN control. 

This is the end of the year. A time to leave behind all the negativity and issues of the last 12 months and move forward positively. I've seen a lot of posts and comments about leaving 2016 behind because it was such a horrible year. I used to do the same thing. For years I have lived in dread of even numbered years, because bad things tended to happen to me in even numbered years. The death of my grandmother and others close to me. The ending of multiple long term friendships. Being dumped. 3 times. By the same person. I would spend so much time focusing on how horrible these events had made the entire year. And by doing that I trivialized the countless amazing things that had happened in those same years. As 2016 approached I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore. And I didn't. Just as one bad moment doesn't make a whole day bad, one bad day or event doesn't make the whole year bad. I know that some of the people in my life have had awful things happen to them this year, some of the worst things that can happen to someone. But I can guarantee that there were also millions of tiny amazing moments in that same year. Moments with loved ones. Children's first words, or steps, or report cards. Finding love with someone who understands you and pushes you to be the best version of yourself. Accomplishing a goal, finishing a course, overcoming something that challenged you. New beginnings, new houses, new jobs. Reuniting with lost loved ones, making new friends. Learning to cook a new meal. Running your first race, trying a new hobby. So many incredible moments that would be lost if you chalked 2016 up to being a "bad year" because of one event. 

And so, as 2016 comes to a close and 2017 begins, I will say now, that 2017 will bring big changes for me. I am going to continue to take charge of my life and not play the victim. And if something bad happens this year, I will grieve it and then move forward. I will not allow it to rob me of the enjoyment I get from time with my loved ones. All those precious little munchkins in my life will do incredible things, and I will enjoy every one of them. My friends and I will laugh and hug and do crazy things. And I will embrace those things. My family and I will get together and talk about funny memories, and make new ones. And I will participate joyfully in that. My career will improve, one way or another, and I will take advantage of opportunities that come my way. 

Christmas has always been my favourite time of year. My shopping list includes 30 people and while others may feel stressed at that and at the amount of money that entails, I count myself extremely fortunate to have 30 people in my life that are so important to me that I include them on my gift list every Christmas. Not everyone is so fortunate. I have a comfortable home. Food on the table. People who love me. A job that changes lives. So many blessings that seem especially visible at this time of year. And saying that this has been a horrible year would diminish all the amazing things that these blessings have given me. And I will NOT diminish their importance like that. I hope you are all able to do the same. And if you aren't, let me know, and I will help you see all the beauty around you. In even the most unexpected places. 

Merry Christmas to you all and may your 2017 be outstanding, no matter what.

All Points Bulletin!!

It's time to make some changes. Specifically, to my list. List item #6 in particular. Originally, I had planned on attempting to go on a date with someone I did NOT meet online. That was then. This is now. I have decided that instead of going out looking for love, I am going to let love come to me. It's hard to keep putting yourself out there and having things not work out. So I'm not going to. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on love. I still very much want to share my life with someone and give them all the love I have to give, which is a lot. But it's time to let things happen naturally. Love will come my way, I'm sure of it. They say when you stop looking for love, you find it. Time for the ever-present, yet oh, so mysterious "they" to prove it. 

Since I have to replace any item I remove from the list, I have decided to add "De-cluttering un-needed items from my life". I have WAY too much shit.



And now to make myself accountable for what I've been doing so far. The turducken is complete. That's one. I am still working on items 9 and 10 (Stop picking my cuticles and Get better at getting up in the morning), with varying degrees of success. I've only given away 50 cents so far, but my friends are not doing a very good job at catching me, if I'm being honest (sorry guys!). I've made myself more aware of it and am stopping MYSELF from time to time, and my fingers look better (ie. less bloody), but I've picked everyday so far, so that manicure I promised myself after 2 weeks of no picking is looking like a very faint glimmer in my distant future. And the morning thing....still a crap storm of nope.


I've also gotten some information on the fencing classes, so they should hopefully be starting up soon. Yeah. Imma look like Inigo. I'm also planning to start sewing again, and now that I'm only about 12 pounds from my final goal weight I think I can make some clothes that will fit me, so a bright, shiny new piece of clothing should be coming soon.



So now you know what to look for in my upcoming posts. And hopefully you'll see a picture of my pretty, manicured hands in about 2 weeks. Pray for me...

How to Make Friends and Stop Picking Your Fingers

I hate this time of year. I can't explain it, but every year from New Years until sometime in March I just feel off. It could be the cold weather, which I hate. It could be the dry air from turning the heaters on, which parches my skin and leaves my nose itchy. It could be the fact that February has traditionally been a horrible month for me. I was dumped in February twice. By the same guy. 6 years apart. Yup. Should have learned my lesson the first time apparently. And of course there's Valentine's Day. Also not a traditionally joyous day for me. 

Whatever it is, the Winter blues seem to be hitting me harder than usual this year. I'm not sleeping. I don't really want to make plans. I seem to be worrying more than normal about things that I really shouldn't worry about. And my conversational skills are slipping. I run out of topics quickly and I'm not as witty as usual. Even this blog post isn't funny. I'm a mess.


I'm doing what I can to try to get myself out of this funk. I've started taking Vitamin D (the sunshine vitamin!) and Melatonin to help me sleep, which seems to be working the last few nights. I'm forcing myself to go out even if I don't want to (and I end up enjoying myself of course) and I'm trying to stay calm and not overthink things. And I swear, this blog post will be funny be the time I'm done. But I'm a work in progress, so please be patient with me. Tell me I'm pretty and give me a cookie.

In addition to all these things, I decided to give myself a project. I'm going to keep working on the getting up early thing, but when you're not sleeping, every second of sleep counts, so it hasn't really been a priority for me lately. So I needed a NEW project. Enter DERMATILLOMANIA.

Yes folks, that's right. I apparently have yet another disorder/syndrome thing that no one has ever heard of. Check it out here. It's official, I'm in the DSM. Basically, what it means is that I have this compulsive habit of picking my fingers. I don't even notice I'm doing it most of the time. It's especially bad when I'm at the movies or doing something else that doesn't keep my hands busy. Although that's not the only time. I'm doing it as I write this. 


Now, you may think "So what? So you pull the occasional hang-nail". Unfortunately, it's so much more than that. My fingers are always rough and usually bleeding. They hurt. I've gotten infections. They look awful and it's embarrassing. Every time I have a manicure I get a lecture. And I'm sick of it.



Time to call on my behavioural training. I work with preschoolers with Autism, so I spend a lot of time figuring out how to change behaviours. But it's a bit different when it's your OWN behaviour you're trying to change. I looked up some suggestions on how to stop, and the first one listed was "wear gloves". Yeah. Not sure that'll be easy to explain in my professional life. I'll be one step away from a Michael Jackson face mask. Another was to write down how I'm feeling when I pick. At this point in time I'm pretty much always feeling slightly anxious, and I don't think pointing it out will really help. Staying busy was another suggestion. I already keep pretty busy and still manage to pick. That left 2 suggestions, which I'll be combining and turning into behavioural techniques. And this is where you guys benefit.

I will be combining negative punishment and positive reinforcement to change my behaviour. The first step is the negative punishment. Every time someone catches me picking my fingers I will immediately have to give them a quarter. So yes, I will constantly have pockets full of change for the next little while. I'm not sure how giving away my money will help me beat the winter blues, but maybe it'll shock me into submission. Hopefully it goes quickly and I won't cause a quarter shortage. Too bad arcades aren't on every corner anymore or you guys would be all set.


The second step will be to positively reinforce myself for going 2 weeks without picking by treating myself to a manicure. It'll be so nice to get one that doesn't hurt and to not have to listen to the manicurist tell me not to pick. I have no idea how long this will take me to achieve, but maybe I'll be a better behavioural therapist than I think. 




So there you have it. I have a plan. And some of you are going to make some serious money off me. But hopefully it'll work and I'll be able to proudly show off my fancy new blood-free hands. And maybe succeeding in this will help bust me out of this slump I've been in. But telling me I'm pretty will still help ;-)

This post is STILL not funny. Hurry up March!

Poultry Parts Unknown

**Warning: Due the graphic and mature nature of this blog post, reader discretion is advised**

Especially if you are a member of the poultry family.

So, I planned to do this list item last year, but my focus just wasn't there so it didn't happen. This year I was determined to get it done. I decided to make it for my parents and I on Christmas Day. We typically have out big meal with my aunt, uncle and cousins on Christmas Eve, and this year they hosted, leaving us with no leftovers. Unacceptable. Hence, my decision to cook a turducken for my house. Not sure why I thought there wouldn't be enough meat for a dinner for more than 3 people, but I suppose I didn't really think about logistics. Live and learn.

In preparation for my culinary adventure, I read a few how-to articles online. I found one that seemed for the most part to do things the way I figured I'd like to do mine. I skipped the author's suggestion to stuff and brine the birds before cooking though. I've never brined a bird and didn't feel like this was the time to start. I'm also trying to get away from cooking the stuffing inside the turkey, because I've been having a hard time ensuring proper cooking temperatures in stuffed birds. Plus, I tend to make stock from my carcasses and I'm tired of ending up with soggy bread pieces in my pot. Yuggh. 

One thing the blogger commented on at the end of his process was how in future attempts he would buy boneless, skinless duck and chicken parts and use them, rather than de-boning them himself . "Pssh. Wimp", thought I. 

Yeah. About that...

He was right and I should have listened, but when I do something, I like to do it to the best of my, albeit sometimes regrettable, abilities, so de-bone them I did. You will learn about my thoughts on THAT pretty soon. The author did have a lot of ideas that I used, however, such as removing the skin from the inside birds. Who has 2 thumbs and doesn't want slimy skin swimming around in the middle of their beautiful Christmas dinner? This girl.

The rest of this post will be done mostly through pictures. There was a LOT of hand-washing done during this procedure, in order to bring you these lovely pictures without giving myself salmonella due to a raw-poultry-smeared phone. I hope you appreciate my dedication. A word of warning before we start; the following pictures are...well, they're pictures of carved up poultry carcasses, so they're kinda gross. 

Here they are. My lovely little barnyard beauties. Before I hacked them to pieces.

And these are my weapons of choice. Mostly because they're the best that I have. Pretty sure those scissors did not survive this ordeal with their integrity intact. We did some very bad things. 

I decided to de-bone the smaller birds the night before. I had a lot to do on cook day and didn't know how long it would take to de-bone a bird, so I did myself a favour and got the bulk of the work done on Christmas Eve. I started with the chicken....because it was small and I figured it'd be easier to replace it if I screwed it up. I also figured the bones would be smaller and easier to cut. EASIER is the key word here. NOT easy, regardless of size. 

Doesn't he look cute? Before I sliced him to bits.

The first thing I did was cut out the backbone. I used the scissors and away I went. Took me some time to figure out where to cut, and I ended up having to go back and re-cut some bone out, but it was not as difficult as I thought it would be. 

Poor spine-less chicken...

Next I removed the ribcage. This proved more difficult than expected. It could have gone faster, but I wanted my meat to look pretty. I didn't want you darling readers to think I was a savage.

And here we go! I was so concerned about keeping it all so nicely together...and then I realized that when I took the skin off...I would have 2 breasts and 2 legs. Womp. But they look pretty good, huh?

Next I moved on to the duck. I'd never really seen a duck before. Well, not one that wasn't swimming in a pond eating bread. It basically looks like a long, big chicken. Or small turkey. And the skin is ridiculous. It's like bird leather. Which, I guess it basically is...

I realized (once I started chopping it up) that the duck I had bought came with orange sauce. Panic ensued, as I had been merrily hacking away at the backbone, without looking inside the bird. Because, who looks inside a duck before they cut it? Luckily, I hadn't doused the inside of the carcass with sugary orange sauce. I pulled these two little packets of goo out of the duck...and threw them away. If I ever make Duck a L'Orange I will make my own damn sauce, thank you very much.

Back to the carnage. I cut out the duck's backbone, which was more challenging than the chicken, mostly due to its iron hide.

I then removed the ribcage and...it looked like a big pile of death. Which, again, I guess it was. I think the thing about duck is that the meat is a lot darker, so it looks more...murdery.

Once I took the skin off...after many minutes of struggling...I was left with these lovely pieces of meat. And went to bed. After cleaning tiny bits of bird flesh off of seemingly every exposed part of me. Seriously, my hack and slash method seemed better in theory than in operation.

The next afternoon I began to assemble my masterpiece, starting by de-boning the God forsaken turkey. I thought the duck skin was bad...until I faced the turkey bones. I felt like I was trying to de-bone Wolverine*.

*Non-nerd disclaimer; Wolverine's bones are made of adamantium, an almost indestructible metal.

Not sure why I included a picture of the turkey's neck there. And yes, that IS its neck, and nothing else. It looks like it should come with a reader discretion of its own, but it IS in fact a turkey neck.

So, same deal, removed the titanium-like backbone and ribcage. Fortunately this time I didn't have to remove the wings, legs  skin.

And here it is, splayed out for all to see. Not a dignified end for the poor guy.

And then the fun began. I realized as I started this that I should PROBABLY remove the leg bones, if I wanted to be able to slice nicely through the turducken. Another huge pain in the ass.

I seasoned the inside of the turkey with some butter, salt and turkey seasoning. In retrospect, the turkey spice between the layers of meat was a mistake, but the butter and salt were good. Next I laid down the duck, breasts inside and legs outside.

More seasoning, then the chicken. It was about this point that I realized I had made a huge mistake.



The next step of turducken 101 is to close the bird, stitch it up, flip it and put it in the roasting pan. Sounds straight forward, right.



Except that I forgot to get twine.








My dad found a roll of that scratchy brown jute stuff, which would clearly not work. I tried toothpicks. Too short. And I was covered in turkey slime and had to hold the thing together so all my work wouldn't go to waste. But then I had an idea....

Skewers. I sent my dad downstairs to get my skewers. And then he passed each one to me individually as I stabbed this poor, humiliated beast over and over, trying to hold the folds of flesh together. All I could do was laugh. It was such a Lisa-looking thing by the end of it. Only I could attempt to make a turducken and have it end up looking like a roadkill porcupine.

Luckily I got to flip it over (with some help from my trusty sidekick Dad, who held the pan while I flopped the thing in), so you couldn't see all that business with the skewers.

I slapped some more butter and spices on top and stood back to marvel at the spectacular creation before me before I popped it in the oven. Pretty proud of myself at this point, if a little concerned that it wouldn't be cooked in time, spurred on partially by my brother-in-law, who expressed serious doubts that we'd eat the thing at a reasonable hour. 

In the oven it went and a few hours later it was almost ready. Unfortunately I had to go out for about an hour and when I got back it was slightly overcooked.

But it looked like this!! Oh so glorious, if slightly difficult to get out of the pan. Turns out bones are important for stability...

Now, I am our family's official turkey carver, although to be fair I do less carving and more chunking. And this was the absolute easiest turkey to carve. Basically all I had to do was pull off the legs and wings and slice it up.

So I sliced it in half, and as you can see, it's a bit dry. Tasty though, especially when covered in cranberry sauce, which is the only REAL way to eat turkey. It was hard to get nice slices of it though, so I still ended up chunking the damn thing.

And here it is, all carved up! The chicken ended up being pretty much indistinguishable from the turkey, and some of the duck blended in with the dark turkey meat, but honestly, it was really good! I'd been warned that duck was greasy, but I didn't find that at all. The meat was really meaty, more like a beef flavour than a poultry flavour. I'd definitely eat it again.

Would I do it again? Definitely. But I would take the blogger's advice and buy boneless skinless duck and chicken and I sure as hell would remember the twine. I'd also keep a closer eye on it so it didn't overcook. Should you try it? Absolutely, especially if your idea of a fun holiday is flying bits of bird sticking to every surface in your kitchen. And be smarter than I was, and save the bones to make stock. That would have made a hell of a soup and I just stupidly threw them all out. 

I'm a different person now. I've seen things. Intense things. I've seen parts of a bird I didn't really know existed until this. I do now have this moderate fear that I'm going to end up as a suspect in a murder due to my new-found knowledge of bird anatomy. "Lisa Magee made a turducken for Christmas dinner in 2015. She has obvious experience with knives and dismembering bodies. Maybe she's our serial killer". But unless the victim is a member of the poultry family I think I'd be very uninformed. And given the amount of swearing ("Lisa, it's Christmas!" my mom said) and sweating I did, it isn't something I'd take up again without a significant amount of convincing. Unless I did this...