Poultry Parts Unknown

**Warning: Due the graphic and mature nature of this blog post, reader discretion is advised**

Especially if you are a member of the poultry family.

So, I planned to do this list item last year, but my focus just wasn't there so it didn't happen. This year I was determined to get it done. I decided to make it for my parents and I on Christmas Day. We typically have out big meal with my aunt, uncle and cousins on Christmas Eve, and this year they hosted, leaving us with no leftovers. Unacceptable. Hence, my decision to cook a turducken for my house. Not sure why I thought there wouldn't be enough meat for a dinner for more than 3 people, but I suppose I didn't really think about logistics. Live and learn.

In preparation for my culinary adventure, I read a few how-to articles online. I found one that seemed for the most part to do things the way I figured I'd like to do mine. I skipped the author's suggestion to stuff and brine the birds before cooking though. I've never brined a bird and didn't feel like this was the time to start. I'm also trying to get away from cooking the stuffing inside the turkey, because I've been having a hard time ensuring proper cooking temperatures in stuffed birds. Plus, I tend to make stock from my carcasses and I'm tired of ending up with soggy bread pieces in my pot. Yuggh. 

One thing the blogger commented on at the end of his process was how in future attempts he would buy boneless, skinless duck and chicken parts and use them, rather than de-boning them himself . "Pssh. Wimp", thought I. 

Yeah. About that...

He was right and I should have listened, but when I do something, I like to do it to the best of my, albeit sometimes regrettable, abilities, so de-bone them I did. You will learn about my thoughts on THAT pretty soon. The author did have a lot of ideas that I used, however, such as removing the skin from the inside birds. Who has 2 thumbs and doesn't want slimy skin swimming around in the middle of their beautiful Christmas dinner? This girl.

The rest of this post will be done mostly through pictures. There was a LOT of hand-washing done during this procedure, in order to bring you these lovely pictures without giving myself salmonella due to a raw-poultry-smeared phone. I hope you appreciate my dedication. A word of warning before we start; the following pictures are...well, they're pictures of carved up poultry carcasses, so they're kinda gross. 

Here they are. My lovely little barnyard beauties. Before I hacked them to pieces.

And these are my weapons of choice. Mostly because they're the best that I have. Pretty sure those scissors did not survive this ordeal with their integrity intact. We did some very bad things. 

I decided to de-bone the smaller birds the night before. I had a lot to do on cook day and didn't know how long it would take to de-bone a bird, so I did myself a favour and got the bulk of the work done on Christmas Eve. I started with the chicken....because it was small and I figured it'd be easier to replace it if I screwed it up. I also figured the bones would be smaller and easier to cut. EASIER is the key word here. NOT easy, regardless of size. 

Doesn't he look cute? Before I sliced him to bits.

The first thing I did was cut out the backbone. I used the scissors and away I went. Took me some time to figure out where to cut, and I ended up having to go back and re-cut some bone out, but it was not as difficult as I thought it would be. 

Poor spine-less chicken...

Next I removed the ribcage. This proved more difficult than expected. It could have gone faster, but I wanted my meat to look pretty. I didn't want you darling readers to think I was a savage.

And here we go! I was so concerned about keeping it all so nicely together...and then I realized that when I took the skin off...I would have 2 breasts and 2 legs. Womp. But they look pretty good, huh?

Next I moved on to the duck. I'd never really seen a duck before. Well, not one that wasn't swimming in a pond eating bread. It basically looks like a long, big chicken. Or small turkey. And the skin is ridiculous. It's like bird leather. Which, I guess it basically is...

I realized (once I started chopping it up) that the duck I had bought came with orange sauce. Panic ensued, as I had been merrily hacking away at the backbone, without looking inside the bird. Because, who looks inside a duck before they cut it? Luckily, I hadn't doused the inside of the carcass with sugary orange sauce. I pulled these two little packets of goo out of the duck...and threw them away. If I ever make Duck a L'Orange I will make my own damn sauce, thank you very much.

Back to the carnage. I cut out the duck's backbone, which was more challenging than the chicken, mostly due to its iron hide.

I then removed the ribcage and...it looked like a big pile of death. Which, again, I guess it was. I think the thing about duck is that the meat is a lot darker, so it looks more...murdery.

Once I took the skin off...after many minutes of struggling...I was left with these lovely pieces of meat. And went to bed. After cleaning tiny bits of bird flesh off of seemingly every exposed part of me. Seriously, my hack and slash method seemed better in theory than in operation.

The next afternoon I began to assemble my masterpiece, starting by de-boning the God forsaken turkey. I thought the duck skin was bad...until I faced the turkey bones. I felt like I was trying to de-bone Wolverine*.

*Non-nerd disclaimer; Wolverine's bones are made of adamantium, an almost indestructible metal.

Not sure why I included a picture of the turkey's neck there. And yes, that IS its neck, and nothing else. It looks like it should come with a reader discretion of its own, but it IS in fact a turkey neck.

So, same deal, removed the titanium-like backbone and ribcage. Fortunately this time I didn't have to remove the wings, legs  skin.

And here it is, splayed out for all to see. Not a dignified end for the poor guy.

And then the fun began. I realized as I started this that I should PROBABLY remove the leg bones, if I wanted to be able to slice nicely through the turducken. Another huge pain in the ass.

I seasoned the inside of the turkey with some butter, salt and turkey seasoning. In retrospect, the turkey spice between the layers of meat was a mistake, but the butter and salt were good. Next I laid down the duck, breasts inside and legs outside.

More seasoning, then the chicken. It was about this point that I realized I had made a huge mistake.



The next step of turducken 101 is to close the bird, stitch it up, flip it and put it in the roasting pan. Sounds straight forward, right.



Except that I forgot to get twine.








My dad found a roll of that scratchy brown jute stuff, which would clearly not work. I tried toothpicks. Too short. And I was covered in turkey slime and had to hold the thing together so all my work wouldn't go to waste. But then I had an idea....

Skewers. I sent my dad downstairs to get my skewers. And then he passed each one to me individually as I stabbed this poor, humiliated beast over and over, trying to hold the folds of flesh together. All I could do was laugh. It was such a Lisa-looking thing by the end of it. Only I could attempt to make a turducken and have it end up looking like a roadkill porcupine.

Luckily I got to flip it over (with some help from my trusty sidekick Dad, who held the pan while I flopped the thing in), so you couldn't see all that business with the skewers.

I slapped some more butter and spices on top and stood back to marvel at the spectacular creation before me before I popped it in the oven. Pretty proud of myself at this point, if a little concerned that it wouldn't be cooked in time, spurred on partially by my brother-in-law, who expressed serious doubts that we'd eat the thing at a reasonable hour. 

In the oven it went and a few hours later it was almost ready. Unfortunately I had to go out for about an hour and when I got back it was slightly overcooked.

But it looked like this!! Oh so glorious, if slightly difficult to get out of the pan. Turns out bones are important for stability...

Now, I am our family's official turkey carver, although to be fair I do less carving and more chunking. And this was the absolute easiest turkey to carve. Basically all I had to do was pull off the legs and wings and slice it up.

So I sliced it in half, and as you can see, it's a bit dry. Tasty though, especially when covered in cranberry sauce, which is the only REAL way to eat turkey. It was hard to get nice slices of it though, so I still ended up chunking the damn thing.

And here it is, all carved up! The chicken ended up being pretty much indistinguishable from the turkey, and some of the duck blended in with the dark turkey meat, but honestly, it was really good! I'd been warned that duck was greasy, but I didn't find that at all. The meat was really meaty, more like a beef flavour than a poultry flavour. I'd definitely eat it again.

Would I do it again? Definitely. But I would take the blogger's advice and buy boneless skinless duck and chicken and I sure as hell would remember the twine. I'd also keep a closer eye on it so it didn't overcook. Should you try it? Absolutely, especially if your idea of a fun holiday is flying bits of bird sticking to every surface in your kitchen. And be smarter than I was, and save the bones to make stock. That would have made a hell of a soup and I just stupidly threw them all out. 

I'm a different person now. I've seen things. Intense things. I've seen parts of a bird I didn't really know existed until this. I do now have this moderate fear that I'm going to end up as a suspect in a murder due to my new-found knowledge of bird anatomy. "Lisa Magee made a turducken for Christmas dinner in 2015. She has obvious experience with knives and dismembering bodies. Maybe she's our serial killer". But unless the victim is a member of the poultry family I think I'd be very uninformed. And given the amount of swearing ("Lisa, it's Christmas!" my mom said) and sweating I did, it isn't something I'd take up again without a significant amount of convincing. Unless I did this...